A little too deep

After last week’s seminar I had to do some deep soul searching. I did a renewal self evaluation. Looking at the history of this country; America, the “Land of the Free” and its history in engrained in slavery and barbarism, murder, and rape. What an embarrassment. I used to look down on Germany for their actions in the Holocaust, but America is no better. Looking at this topic I had to decipher everything about myself. Am I living a lie? My language, my heritage, even my religion. I had to question whether being a Christian was right. How could people enslave others, change their names, identity; break up families in the name of God? I had to question whether I wanted to believe in that same God. The white man’s God who they stood steadfast on His words. The more I learn the more confused I become. I have mixed feelings about a lot of this. Many people have told me that slavery happened so long ago and that it should be left as a part of history, but when I see the effects that it has on people today I cannot leave it in the past. I am always telling my kids to be mindful when they are in stores. Don’t touch anything and keep your hands out of your pockets! I say. I cannot get help in certain stores but I can sure be followed. Just on Thursday I was followed in Sears of all stores the sales lady never once asked if I needed any help but she followed me all the way to the door. I thought she was coming home with me but I guess not. All I could think about is what the hell I am going to steal from Sears. Damn, I tried to steal the lawnmower but it wouldn’t fit in my pocket. Subtle racism is the worst because you know it is there but the other person is doing a terrible job of covering it up. I do not want to live in a peaceful world where everything is rosy. I want people to be real and genuine. If you are scared to touch me because my blackness may rub off on you let me know. I like to know how people feel up front; it eliminates all the guess work.